More information about family violence

What is abuse?

• Abuse is a pattern of controlling behaviour.
• Abuse in intimate relationships happens when one partner develops a pattern of trying to control the other. The abusive partner typically uses many tactics to try to get their way and to show that they have power over their partner. Victims often try to change their behaviour to meet the demands, hoping the abuse will stop.
• Abusive behaviours are always a choice. It does not matter what the abuser’s background or experience is, they must take responsibility for their actions. No one has the right to abuse someone else, and no one deserves to be abused.
• Abuse can happen in all types of relationships and victims can be from any ethnic and cultural background, sexual orientation or income level. The abuse can result in physical, sexual, emotional and financial harm. Being subjected to abuse lowers a person’s sense of personal strength and value. Being threatened with or subjected to violence creates a pattern of ongoing fear.
• Abuse and violence in intimate relationships does not happen “just once”. It happens over months and years, usually becoming more frequent and severe.

Abuse tactics
Abuse can take many forms. The most visible form may be physical abuse, but less visible forms can be just as destructive. Examples of abuse tactics include:

Physical abuse tactics are a wide range of assaults by the abuser, such as pushing, hitting, choking, hair-pulling or threatening to use a weapon. The purpose is to cause physical pain or injury to the abused person. Physical abuse can also be locking or tying someone up, or preventing someone from getting medical help.

Psychological abuse tactics cause emotional pain and injury. The abuser uses emotional or mental “weapons” instead of physical assaults on the abused person. Examples include verbal, financial or spiritual abuse, or controlling a person’s activities.

Sexual abuse tactics include physical attacks on breasts and/or genitals, and forced sexual activity. Sexual acts are abusive if the abused person finds them unsafe, unwanted, humiliating or painful.

Intimidation tactics are any words or actions that abusive partners use to scare their partners. Examples are destroying property, threatening, stalking or harassing.

Nine things you can do if you are being abused

1. First, make sure you and any children are physically safe. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Make a safety plan. If your partner has ever been violent, the violence could happen again at any time. You will need a safety plan so you can get to a safe place quickly if necessary. Safety plan suggestions are available at www.familyviolence.alberta.ca or call a women’s shelter or police-based Victim Services Unit for assistance.

2. Know that you are not responsible for the abuse. The abuse is the responsibility of the person who is abusive.

3. Understand that the abuse and violence will likely continue unless you take action to end it.

4. Tell someone you trust about the abuse. Secrecy gives abuse more power. Do not give up.

5. Find out more about abuse in relationships. You are not alone. Other people have had this experience and were eventually able to create new and healthy lives for themselves. Once you start looking for sources of help, you will meet people who understand your situation.

6. Find out what help is available in or near your community. Call the 24-hour Family Violence Info Line toll-free at 310-1818 or visit www.familyviolence.alberta.ca for more information.

7. Get professional help from a qualified counsellor.

Care for yourself. Anything you do to uplift your body, emotions, mind or spirit will help you to get through this difficult situation and create the life you want for yourself.

9. Spend time with non-abusive people. Even if they cannot help you directly, being with these people will remind you that most people are kind.